Why me?…
vs. what is this teaching me?
Listen. Life has been lifing but God has been Goding as He always does. God gives his toughest battles to His strongest soldiers, and I honestly feel like I’ve been on the front line for quite some time now fighting battles I feel I don’t deserve nor asked for, but God doesn’t ask us which battles we want to fight. He places us there in hopes that we will come out with not only a victory but a testimony.
A week and a half after my birthday, I went through something I had never gone through before. I had a bad case of a bacterial infection which led to my neck lymph nodes being infected. Everything happened so fast. The pain and discomfort I felt in my throat and neck was extremely unbearable. It was so hard for me to eat, swallow, and talk. I was extremely fatigued and couldn’t talk for a long period of time. I had NO idea what was wrong with me. The doctors in the ER didn’t even know what was wrong with me. I messaged my ENT (ears, nose, and throat) doctor’s nurse and she scheduled me an appointment to be seen right away. When I got to my appointment, the doctor put a scope down my nose and throat and the number of times he said “abnormal” scared me. He prescribed me steroids which eventually caused about 95% of the inflammation and redness on my neck lymph nodes to go away thankfully.
While I was waiting for my ENT appointment, I had a couple moments where I felt defeated and felt like I was going to die (and I promise I’m not over exaggerating). Everything I read on the internet scared the crap out of me! (PSA: I know better. I know the internet is not your friend when you are going through things, but I had to do some kind of research because I hated the waiting process. And honestly, I’m still going through the waiting process). I began to lose faith in what I was going through. I didn’t think I was going to get better. Many people didn’t know what I was going through, some knew the surface level, and only a few knew my everyday struggle. It was so hard to show up for myself and my kids every day. In a way, I was giving up. Every day, my kids would ask me if I felt better. In the beginning I was honest, then I eventually began lying and telling them yes even though I didn’t feel better. They looked very concerned and scared, and I didn’t want them to worry about me. I’m the parent, I’m supposed to worry about them, they’re not supposed to worry about me.
“You don’t believe?” When I was at my lowest, my boyfriend sent me a text and that was the first thing it said. And I just cried. I did believe, but not fully. Some days I believed, others I did not especially when I was at my lowest. One night I got on my knees, cried, prayed, and surrendered. I gave all my worries, my doubts, my frustrations, and tears to God. I couldn’t handle it anymore. God didn’t create us to go through battles alone. He told us to give it to Him and He will take care of it for us. So that is what I did.
My mom and boyfriend were right there with me through the tears, the doubts, and the hard days. I wouldn’t have made it this far without them. They were and still are my strength.
During the peak of my illness right before I surrendered to God, I came across a post on social media that said, “When you replace ‘why is this happening to me?’ with ‘what is this teaching me?’ everything shifts.” And that right there shifted my perspective on my illness and everything I was going through.
My illness is teaching me…
1. This is not for me to understand because it’s God’s plan.
2. God is a way maker and a miracle worker.
3. Have patience. Everything will work out.
4. All you need is faith the size of a mustard seed.
5. THE INTERNET IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! STAY OFF OF THERE!
Thank God for progress.
Thank God for healing.
Thank God for days.
Thank you, God.